Learning to Love Your Family
I know the title of this makes me sound like someone who had to work really hard to love her family. Don’t let me be mistaken – I think my family members are some of the easiest people to love. However, I’ve always had the fault of being overly critical of people. I tend to see things in one particular way, and I often try to make others conform to my way of living or thinking. When people don’t share my beliefs, opinions, or lifestyles, I’m often judgmental and sometimes even rude in response. This behavior of mine is focused towards my family members, since they are the people that I spend the majority of my time with.
There’s this weird phenomenon I’ve noticed within family relationships. The things I’m so quick to say to my brothers, for example, are things I would NEVER say to my friends. We all find a weird comfortability letting the worst of us (our anger, impatience, intolerance, frustrations, etc.) be taken out on our family members. I find this so strange. Our family are not just the ones we share a home with, but they’re the ones God has chosen to be our blood-relatives. Let us not underestimate how special and divine that is.
Back to my first point, as someone who is rather confident (again, to a fault) that I know just the best way to do things, I often try to control my family’s behaviors. But here’s the thing I’ve learned after being a daughter and sister for nearly 22 years: most of my judgements aren’t rooted in a difference of beliefs. They’re rooted in a difference of personalities.
Now for me, this is crucial to understand. Let me give you an example. I share a bathroom with my younger brother, Jett. I am a 21-year-old woman. He is a 16-year-old boy. You can imagine that sharing a bathroom together is not always easy. Jett (bless him) cannot start his day without taking a shower, but Jett takes RIDICULOUSY long showers. It’s a miracle if I have enough time in the bathroom to get ready before I head to work. Not only does he take incredibly long showers in the morning, but he also leaves his dirty underwear on MY SIDE OF THE BATHROOM COUNTER. The Holy Spirit can only do so much for me in these moments. My biggest issue with all of this, though, is that his showers are just so unnecessarily long. Even when they don’t interfere with me getting ready, I still go out of my way to tell him, “You’re wasting water. You don’t need to take that long of a shower. You’re being inconsiderate. That’s not environmentally or economically friendly.”
Immediately, I begin to make judgements that attack his beliefs as a person. I think to myself, “My family doesn’t believe in being environmentally or economically considerate. Jett doesn’t believe in giving other people time to get ready. Jett doesn’t think about other people.”
When I make such strong statements like this or think so harshly about Jett, I unintentionally create a boundary between our relationship. Our brother-sister relationship becomes strained and distant in light of such judgement.
Something God has shown me recently is this: What I view as a character flaw is really just a difference in personality. Instead of Jett being “inconsiderate,” I realize he’s the type of person who needs a shower in the morning to wake him up. I’m not that way. All I need is a little time outside and a couple cups of coffee and I’m ready to get the day going. But, not Jett. He’s just not wired as I am. This doesn’t mean we don’t share the same convictions, beliefs, opinions, or that we’re dynamically incompatible. It means he has a different personality than me. Point blank simple.
I think this terminology switch is important, because (at least for people like me) it’s so easy to write off the possibility of a relationship with someone when you assume that there’s no fundamental similarities between your values or belief systems. But viewing things like how someone gets ready in the morning as a matter of personalities makes it easier to learn to love your family members. And the truth is this: most things are personality differences.
My mom used to make color-coded itineraries for my dad and brothers and me before she left town for her once-a-year girls’ trip. It drove all of us crazy. It felt unnecessarily specific and made us feel like she didn’t trust us to take care of ourselves. It was easy to get annoyed with this when we thought, “She doesn’t trust us to handle the week without her.” But really, it’s not a matter of her beliefs or trust in us. It’s just her personality. It made her feel good to type things up for us. It’s just who she is.
When you think about your family members – your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, children – and you think about the things that bother you the most about them, ask yourself, “Am I making judgements about their beliefs, or will I choose to accept them for who they are?”
God is creative, artistic, and made each of us beautifully unique and wonderful. God has given all of us unique personalities to let His image and likeness shine through. Yes, even little personality differences are designed by God. And, who am I to try and change what God has made? Who am I to write someone off for being who God made them to be? How much more peaceful, strong, and connected would my family be if I simply just let them be who they are? What if I chose to not let judgement get in the way of appreciating how they’re different from me? What if appreciating those differences is exactly how I learn to love my family?
I firmly believe that accepting people as they are (even the things you don’t like) is what allows the best of them to shine. If I want the best of my family to come out, I have to allow ALL of them to come out.
Learn to love the things you don’t like or understand. Learn to give grace where it’s due (and it’s ALWAYS due). Learn to strengthen your family relationships through acceptance and not judgement, for judgement always weakens. Learn to love the uniqueness of others, for we are all “God’s masterpiece” (Ephesians 2:10).
Love,
Anna Takle
