Building Strong Families: Guidance Versus Criticism

“There is a fine line between criticism and guidance.”

My dad said this to a few of us while we were chatting on his deck recently, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

It got me thinking about the phrase “constructive criticism.” I’ve come to believe that there really isn’t anything constructive about criticism. Construction builds. And I’ve yet to see criticism build anything.

I’ll be the first to admit that I can fall into the trap of criticism when I want to correct something in my children. Our son, Jett, started cutting our grass this summer, and he’s doing a great job. But I’m really good at finding the spots he misses because, well, I’m such an enjoyable person like that.

Thankfully, I didn’t say anything to Jett because my husband, Kris, stopped me.

“He’s learning. He’s doing great. These are things we guide him in instead of pointing out, ‘Hey, kid, you missed this.’”

Next time, we—meaning Kris—can say something like, “When you cut the grass, make sure you get this part, too, bud.”

Bam. Done.

No one gets torn down, and Jett gets a little guidance on how to do an even better job.

It’s easy to point out to our children what they are doing wrong. It’s really easy to say things that tear them down, even when that isn’t our intention.

We say things like:

“You never listen.”

“You don’t care about your grades.”

“You’re being selfish.”

“You’re so irresponsible.”

And I’m sure you can fill in your own blanks.

I’ve noticed that any time we start a sentence with “You,” what follows is often criticism rather than guidance. “You” plus something negative can quickly become a statement about who they are instead of what they did.

There’s a big difference.

Sometimes parents also use negative words because we think they will motivate our children to change their behavior. We might say, “You don’t care about your room,” or “You don’t care about me and what you’re putting on me.”

We may think guilt will motivate them to change. It might work for a moment. But guilt is not a sustainable way to build character, and it can affect how our children see themselves.

This doesn’t mean we ignore bad behavior or pretend problems aren’t there. We should address behavior. But we need to address the behavior without attacking the person.

Instead of saying, “You’re selfish,” try, “Let’s talk about what happened.”

Instead of, “You never listen,” try, “Can you help me understand what was going on?”

Instead of, “You don’t care,” try, “Can you share with me how you’re feeling?”

Those kinds of conversations communicate something powerful: I care about you as a person, not just about your performance.

And that is what builds relationship.

Whenever I’m asked for my most important parenting advice, I always tell parents the same thing: Build a relationship with your children.

Relationship is everything.

Everything.

In a healthy relationship, you allow your children to be who God created them to be. You allow them to have different opinions, personalities, interests and even beliefs. You don’t try to force who you are onto them.

Instead, become the very things you want to see in them.

And when you do tell them who they are, make sure it’s positive.

Tell them the wonderful things you see in them. Tell them they are kind. Tell them they are brave. Tell them they are compassionate. Tell them they are capable. Tell them they are thoughtful. Tell them they are loved.

Make sure that whatever follows “You are…” is something that builds them up.

And for the things you don’t see yet but want to see in them, don’t tell them they don’t have that trait. Don’t tell them, “You’re just not compassionate,” or “You’re not responsible,” or “You don’t have what it takes.”

It is in them. The Creator of the universe is in them!

When you pray for your children, thank God for the things you want to see manifested in their lives.

When my children were little, I would put them to bed and pray the same prayer over them. I would thank God for all the things I already saw in them—who they were—and I would also thank God for the things I wanted to see developed and manifested in their lives.

When my daughter, Anna, was little, she heard me thank God for her sensitivity and compassion long before I began to see those qualities fully manifested in her. But she heard me say who she already was—not simply who I wanted her to become. And she became it. Today, you won’t find a more compassionate or accepting human being than Anna.

Our words carry weight. And as parents, our words carry the MOST weight.

The way we speak to our children helps shape the way they see themselves. So guide them. Correct them. Teach them. Set boundaries. Hold them accountable. But be careful not to confuse guidance with criticism.

When in doubt, ask yourself: “Is this conversation building our relationship, or is it hurting it?” Because those teenage years are coming if you’re not already there. And I can assure you—relationship is going to mean everything.

It will be the relationship you’ve built that gives you the opportunity to guide them into every good thing and into all that God has for them.

Blessings,

Dusty Takle